Reddit Breakup Section AKA “My heartache is worse than yours”

Life has trigger events which causes ones’ brains to go off track sometimes.  For me, it is a recent breakup with J.  The relationship lasted all of 6 months and then came to a very amicable and respectable ending.  I have only ever had good breakups.  I actually don’t recall ever yelling or even raising my voice with my ex’s.  Maybe it’s because I can often get my point across without resorting to yelling/arguing.  But yes, this recent event has been making me act a little less rationally than I usually do.

I have been looking up information about self-soothing and how to make myself feel better when those gloomy feeling settle in.  I was applauded by a good friend for not finding a rebound relationship.  I was tempted, but I was worried that would take me down a different type of rabbit hole in itself.  And I avoid hurting others as much as possible.  

Breakups are funny.  Here is a person with whom you interacted on a daily basis and shared in the exciting and mundane aspects of life.  And then poof, they’re gone.  You are no longer allowed to communicate with that person. The rope is severed.  I know this isn’t always the case for all relationships but I have always been a big advocate of the NC rule.  I’m not going to say that I haven’t broken this rule before but I think it keeps me sane and lets me recover as speedily as possible.  

The withdrawal symptoms have been hitting me hard though.  And I’m not really sure how to deal with them besides straight-up distraction.  

Time to go visit the Reddit breakup section and tell myself that things could have been much worse.

Flexibility = happiness?

I like self-help books and blogs that help me to improve my mood, intelligence, productivity, health etc.  I read questions posed on Quora (which is an amazing q&a website) like “what do you regret not doing in your 20s?” and try to learn from the wisdom and experience of those older than I am.  And I think that my efforts have actually helped me to become a more well rounded individual overall.  I do not like being stagnant and always am pushing myself to be a better version of myself.  

But I think I need to find a balance with being happy with who I am at the moment.

This is a huge challenge.

So my current mission for myself is to be more happy and mindful in the present, and to remember that I am a completely whole person in this moment.  Of course, I still want to grow as a person but I have to reconcile that with the understanding that I should still appreciate who I am in the present.  How?  I am on day 6 of my 30 day yoga challenge and I have attempted meditation 2 times haha.  It’s a start, right?  🙂

Backup Plan

To jump right into things, I will tell you that the current person occupying my thoughts is J.  I like J quite a bit, which unfortunately comes with a whole host of irrational thoughts.  Does he like me as much as I like him?  Why doesn’t he text me back quicker?  What the heck is going on in his head?  Why are the beginning of relationships so confusing?  Aren’t they supposed to be awesome and thrilling?  I find them draining and confusing.

I had another guy on the table last week – M.  But I’ve ended things with him when it seemed that he was unable to hang out without being intoxicated.  His jokes were not always tasteful.  And my impression of his appearance, which started off above average, quickly deteriorated into a 3 at best.  And god he was just so chatty.  Anyways, I finally mustered up the courage to send him a nice text message to end things.  We did not get far enough to warrant a phonecall.

This leaves me with just J. Who is great.  And who is just so damn handsome.  But I can not put all my emotional eggs into one basket.  I will likely be sad and hurt when things end.  And while I know it’s not great to start thinking about the end already, I like to brace myself for it.  This means that I’ve re-activated my online dating account.  I want a backup option.   No, I don’t feel like I am using anyone.  I will continue to only message guys I like, and there are never any promises when it comes to online dating.

It was nice to sign on to almost 30 new messages in one day.  Although I think I only responded to about 3.  I will look at the other ones again before I delete them.   Maybe I’ll meet another cool guy who can make me feel crazy.  Maybe i can find someone to be my backup plan.

Recorded Life

I apparently have a fascination with documenting my life.  I record lists for so many things, and even have a Moleskine that I purchased specifically for keeping track of things in my life.  A brief flip through the notebook will reveal lists for “Books I want to read”, “Major accomplishments in life”, “Places I’ve traveled to” and “Gifts for friends”.  Towards the back of the book is where I keep the more juicy lists: “Boys that I’ve kissed”, “Boys that have had crushes on me”.

I also keep a journal.  It is a beautiful black leather book.  When I write in it, I use my cursive style of writing because it just feels right.  It takes a little bit longer to transfer my thoughts into writing, but the end results looks much more beautiful.  My personal thoughts deserve handwriting.  Not that hasty scribble I use when recording school notes.

But lately, I have been entertaining the idea of posting my private thoughts and life details onto the internet.  I like the idea that there might be a couple strangers that will happen to come across my ramblings and be able to relate to something I’ve written.  That’s pretty fucking cool.

My posts will be a representation of my train of thoughts in that moment.  Whatever has been occupying my mind will be translated onto this blog.  Expect to read about: dating, careers, books, education, business, fashion and my life decisions to name a few.